


even knowing how it ended, i'd do it all again

by orphan_account



Series: incorrigible [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 23 year old Harry, 29 year old louis, American AU, Blowjobs, Cheating, I think that's it - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Seattle, Smut, Some Fluff, Top!Harry, a lil angst, birthdays and anniversaries inaccurate, bottom!Louis, business man!louis, but not a lot, drinking?, implied bottom!harry, louis/ofc mentioned, musician!harry, please ignore that this is shit, referenced homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 09:19:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17057060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It was definitely not meant to happen. By any decent human's moral standards this was so very wrong. However, that didn't seem to stop the two men for falling in love with each other.; or the one where Harry and Louis look at each like they hung the moon for one another, but it's not always that easy.





	even knowing how it ended, i'd do it all again

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys, this is my first "proper" fic on here! i'm pretty nervous about it, but hopefully you enjoy it. as mentioned, there is cheating, so if you feel uncomfortable about that topic, you are warned. also, pardon any mistakes in diction or syntax, i did minimal editing. title of this comes from 'in my arms' by will killen. here is a list of songs that helped me through the writing process. i suggest giving them a listen whether you do alongside the fic or not:  
> \- ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space - spiritualized  
> -friends - ed sheeran  
> -hammers and strings [a lullaby] - jack's mannequin  
> -see her on the weekend - andrew mcmahon in the wilderness  
> -as you sleep - something corporate  
> -orphans - jack's mannequin  
> -love like this (acoustic) - kodaline  
> -moving on - kodaline
> 
> alright, i hope you guys enjoy. here goes nothing!

It was misting outside when Louis arrived just outside the nightclub. The only light around him was provided by the streetlamp that he stood under and the headlights of the passing cars. He impulsively glanced down at the watch on his wrist and then his phone to make sure that it was shut off for the rest of the week before looking up and down the sidewalk. It was too dark to tell past the circle of light he stood beneath. He let out a sigh, shoving his hand into his pants pocket to pull out a pack of cigarettes. Bad habit, he knew, but there was no stopping him. He lit up hurriedly, taking a quick puff. He let the slim stick dangle between his fingertips momentarily before bringing it back to his lips. Suddenly, the cigarette was gone from his hands and in the hands of another. Soon after, lips were on his in a gentle kiss. A short chuckle passed Louis' lips.

“Didn’t think you would actually make it up here this week, Louis.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

The man, Harry, slid the cigarette back between Louis’ lips before taking hold of his hand. They walked silently for a while. It was peaceful. It felt right to be walking beside one another. 

Harry let out a small huff, leading Louis towards a bench resting up against a trashy hotel. It had stopped misting by the time the two sat down by one another, hands still clasped together as if the world were about to cave in on itself. 

“Did you drop your bags off at mine?” Harry questioned.

“Of course,” Louis responded.

It was silent for a minute before Harry asked another question, his head on Louis’ shoulder now.

“How’s Amaya?”

“Good. She’s at the beach for a week. She…” Louis drifted, swallowing the words he needed to say. He would save it for another moment.

“She what?”

“She’s feeling good. That’s all, really.”

Harry nodded in response, letting out a small hum, his hands resting in his hoodie pocket. The silence was deafening, but it was typical of them to be this way in public. Maybe it was because both of them worried a lot - mainly Harry, but Louis understood very well. He respected it.

“Take me home, Harry?”

“Of course.”

It was a silly question to ask. Harry would do anything for the man sitting beside him. Both the males turned to look at each other. Louis ran a hand through his own mess of hair. Harry smiled. They both stood and made the trek back to Harry’s apartment complex.

By the time they arrived, it was pouring. Their clothes were soaked and sticking to their skin. Both the men ran inside the complex, their shoes splashing in the puddles of murky rain water. Louis was shivering as they climbed the stairs to the second level.  
“You’re freezing,” Harry spoke as he fumbled with opening the door.

“I can’t help that it doesn’t pour like this in San Diego. I’m not acquainted with the chill anymore. Don’t know if I ever will be,” Louis responded, teeth chattering.

“I mean, it has been a while.” Harry pushed open the door, looking over his shoulder at Louis.

All Louis could do was sigh. He kicked off his shoes at the front door so he wouldn’t track anything besides water across the dark wood panelled floors. 

The minute the door closed, Harry put his hands on Louis’ waist, instinctively pulling the man closer to him. Louis’ hands automatically went around Harry’s neck. They met each other halfway for a tender kiss. Harry pulled away first, reaching for Louis’ hands.

“Let’s get you a warm shower.”

Louis nodded, respectfully. He had goosebumps beneath his black button up and the wet denim of his jeans.

Harry’s bathroom was a soft lilac color. A row of soft lights hung above the rectangular mirror perched above the sink. There was a clawfoot tub with a removable shower head connected to the wall adjacent to the tub. The curtain that surrounded the tub was a simple white. All the decorative pieces matched the color of the claws on the tub. 

“You’re ogling,” Harry noted as he reached out to unbutton Louis’ damp shirt.

“Sorry, it’s just that this place suits you so much,” Louis said.

A baby pink color spread across Harry’s cheeks and nose. He just shook his head in response, pushing the material off Louis’ shoulders and onto the floor. Harry turned to the faucet, rotating the knob to the warmest setting. Louis took this time to pathetically shimmy his way out of the wet denim as well as the cotton boxer briefs beneath them. He removed his watch and ruined pack of cigarettes from the wet denim and placed them on the sink counter.

“Join me?” Louis questioned.

“Planned on it,” Harry spoke softly before pulling his hoodie over his head, tossing it next to the wet button up. He didn’t have anything underneath, so Louis let his eyes wander up and down his torso. Louis kept his eyes resting on the man before him as he kicked his jeans off into the pile of material on the floor. Louis took a step towards the tub, ultimately getting closer to Harry. 

“You’re staring, again,” Harry stated, reaching up to place his hand on Louis' smooth cheek.  
“It’s been a while since I properly got to see you.” 

Harry shrugged, running his thumb across Louis’ cheekbone. “More time for that later. I can’t have you catching a cold on the first night of the week.”

Both of the men carefully stepped into the steaming shower. The hot water felt relaxing. Harry turned his body so he could let Louis stand under the water. He looked gorgeous. His eyes were closed, water dripping down his face and shoulders. The fluffiness of his hair had now disappeared under the beat of the water from the shower head. As if Louis knew of Harry’s gaze, which he most certainly did, he opened his eyes for the man before him. 

“You’re ogling,” mocked Louis. “There’s time for that later.”

“You’re such a dick, I hate you,” Harry muttered, resting his head on Louis’ shoulder.

Louis put his hands on the man’s waist, Harry’s pecan colored hair tickling his chin.  
“You know I only do it because I love you.”

“How kind. I missed you so much.”

Louis smiled wide, leaning forward to brush his nose against his lover’s. He wished that he could stay with Harry forever. Against all odds, he tried his best to get to him when he could. 

Louis tilted his head up quickly to nip at Harry’s nose. “Hm, missed you, too.”

“Kinky. But, hey, I don’t judge. I kind of like it.” 

Louis simply rolled his eyes. “Sometimes I don’t understand how you’re a songwriter. Songwriters are, like, soft, pretty, elegant almost. You’re strong, fierce, and fiery.”

Harry scoffed. “What a total jab at all songwriters who don’t fit your stereotype. I’m soft. I know plenty of songwriters full of fiery passion. I suppose I won’t be playing my new composition for you later.”

“I’m obviously not well educated in music,” Louis admitted, but he knew Harry was only playing around. “I would love to hear your new piece.”

“Only have the musical parts. ‘M still dabbling with lyrics. It’s nothing too fancy.”

“Then again, singer-songwriters can’t say that they are or they sound cocky,” Louis countered, waggling his eyebrows. 

Harry laughed then swatted his hand against Louis' chest. He had no idea what he was going to do with himself when Louis left. To stop his thoughts, he reached behind Louis and turned on the cold water before quickly turning it off completely.

“You ass. I thought you were supposed to be making me warm,” Louis shuddered. 

“Oh c’mon, As if I won’t warm you up when we go to bed,” Harry spoke, pushing back the shower curtain to get out. Louis followed him, shivering a little as the cool air hit his body. He became vaguely aware of what was going on around him, his mind thinking of the past year with the man currently housing him. He came back to the present when Harry tossed a plush gray towel at him.

“Dry off and meet me in bed, yeah?” Harry stated, towel already around his waist, a smile on his lips as he walked out of the steaming bathroom. 

Louis wasted no time doing as he was told. 

The walls in Harry’s were a cream color sans one wall that was covered in small posters of artists and a bulletin board with sheets music and blue post-it notes. His bed was decked out in all black. He also had a simple closet on the wall across from the paper filled one. The only other things that filled the room was a small nightstand with a lamp, a guitar case, a cello case, a viola case, a keyboard, and a saxophone case.

Harry was beneath the black comforter. His hair was still damp, small curls forming the more they aired out. The sheets were only covering up to his hips, and Louis assumed there was nothing but skin beneath the rest. Harry was carefully studying a piece of paper when Louis sat down on the edge of the bed, towel wrapped loosely around his waist. 

“Have you thought about what you want to call it?” Louis questioned.

“Nah, but I’ll think of something soon. It’s sad, kind of dark, you know?”

“Instrument?” Louis undid the towel, tossing it to the ground as he crawled under the sheets with Harry. He was warm and comforting.

“Cello,” he responded, setting the sheet paper on the table next to the bed.

Harry lifted his arm so Louis could scoot underneath it to rest his head on Harry’s chest. The bristles of soft brown tickled the base of his neck causing him to chuckle as he wrapped his bare arm around Louis' frame.

Harry placed a kiss on the top his Louis' head, holding him tighter. Louis wedged his foot between Harry’s calves while he absentmindedly stroked his fingertips up and down his thigh. It wasn’t sexual. It was soothing.

“Thank you for coming here,” Harry murmured.

“My pleasure,” Louis whispered, sleepiness in his voice.

“Sleep.” Harry’s voice was hushed. Louis' eyes were already closed, and Harry’s soon followed. Both of them fell asleep embracing each other, not wanting to be anywhere else but there.

-

Louis woke around four in the morning to the sound of the cello being played pizzicato. The sound was gorgeous, but he still rolled his eyes behind closed eyelids followed by a soft groan. 

“I tried to wait, but I had an idea. I had to see if it would work. I’m sorry,” Harry apologized when he heard Louis' cry. 

Louis sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes before turning on the bedside lamp. His eyes slowly trailed around the room until they landed on Harry sitting in his chair, a concentrated look on his face.

“You’re still naked,” Louis stated bluntly.

Harry glanced down. “I suppose so.” He paused. “I don’t think you have a problem with it though.”

Louis threw his head back with laughter causing Harry to grin.

The two of them calmed down and stared at each other for a while. It wasn’t awkward nor was it uncomfortable. It was quite reassuring, honestly. 

“Teach me how to play,” Louis whispered.  
Harry nodded, moving the cello out from between his knees. He then scooted backwards on his stool to make room for Louis in front of him. Louis tossed the warm sheets off his naked body to stand. He padded towards the seated man, sitting himself between the man’s muscular thighs once in front of him. 

Harry took hold of Louis' hand and brought his their fingers up to the D string. He placed Louis' thumb behind the neck of the cello and his pointer finger high up on the string.

“This is E,” Harry murmured, gliding the bow downwards across the string so a soft noise resonated through the quiet room. He then placed Louis' middle and ring fingers onto the strings, nodding appreciatively.

“Now this is F sharp.”

Louis smiled at the feeling of Harry’s fingers leading him through the motions. He knew this was Harry’s favorite thing to do so he knew that he could easily learn to love it just as much as the man he loved. When Louis turned over his shoulder, he saw Harry’s gleaming eyes and warm cheeks. He couldn’t help but smile more.

“I think that is enough for me now. I’ve already forgotten what the string is called. Come back to bed with me,” Louis whispered.

“Sounds lovely,” Harry spoke quietly as he placed his cello on its side, nudging Louis to stand up.

Louis padded over to the bed with Harry following behind, their fingers curled around each others. Louis smiled, pulling his partner down on the bed with him which caused Harry to blush something fierce. They simply held each other for a while, skin on skin. The only sound was that of their breathing. It was too peaceful to break, but, unfortunately, the two men knew the sound that broke it needed to happen.

“Louis, what are we?” Harry questioned shyly.

Louis dreaded the question wholeheartedly, but he knew this would come up sooner or later. It just happened a lot sooner than he wished. He squirmed for a moment, settling his right leg between both of Harry’s. 

“Obviously we aren’t just friends, but-” Louis started.

“No, we aren’t friends. It’s something more than that; something way more complex. At least that is what I think,” Harry cut in.

“Most definitely. What we have between us is something that I never imagined. I thought I found love, but I was wrong. Love, for me, felt forced until you stepped into my life. You made me blush, damn you. I never once blushed for anyone before. Every time that I hear the soft plucks of guitar strings I think back to the first day we met. I think about the man that I was then and how much you have helped me be honest with myself. You so easily turned me into your man. That is something I never want to change.”

Harry took a shaky breath. “I adore you. You lighten up my life, but I’m still so worried I’m going to lose you one day. I just know that I will. Someone will find out, and you will be gone. You won’t be able to see me, and I won’t be able to see you. Do you see why I am so petrified of the public? Someone might know you out there. You have a name for yourself. I’m worried that you will corrupt it when they see me wrapped in your arms, not Amaya.”

“I want to leave Amaya, I really do-”

“And here comes the big ‘but’. It’s been a year, and you’ve said that for at least the past eight of those twelve months. You know I want to believe you, but it’s been so long. It’s been so long since I have had the guts to go in for a kiss without my stomach turning or touch you intimately or even ask for a fuck. We’ve had sex twice and those two times were in the first four months of whatever our relationship is. You were only here for two days both times. The minute you started saying you would leave Amaya, I stopped trying to fuck about so much so that we could try to feel less guilty. I shouldn’t be upset because I’m the one destroying a marriage, but I hoped, by this point, you would be living here with me. I- Shit, I didn’t mean to make you cry, but I had to let you know,” Harry murmured the last part, bringing his free hand up to wipe the salty tears from Louis' cheeks.

Louis shook his head quickly, placing his hand over Harry’s on his cheek. “I’m so sorry that I have made you wait this long. You have a right to be upset since I’ve made you wait. If you ever wanted to kiss me, touch me, or have me touch you, I wouldn’t have ever stopped you or our relationship. I wouldn’t let that change my mind.”

Harry took a deep breath then flopped his head down onto the pillow beneath him, keeping his eyes focused on Louis, Louis doing the same. 

“You’re beautiful. I’m so confused on how this all happened,” Harry whispered.

“Listen, Harry. I want to move here with you. I want to be able to wake up next to you every morning, so I can see your pouty lips and long eyelashes. I want to cook with you every morning and night. I want to take showers with you and make them last way too long because I end up pressing you against the wall to make love to you. I want to go out in public and hold your hand and kiss you. I want to dance in the clubs with you. I want to take you on business trips with me. I want to take you to fancy restaurants and get down on one knee and ask you to marry me. I want to buy a proper, big house for us and start our own little family. I want all of that for us.”

“Please tell me that you are trying to say that we are more than just two men that love each other more than we should.”

“I’m saying that I want you to be my man.”

A small smile spread onto Harry’s lips as he buried his face into the crook of Louis' neck. Louis' skin was warm and comforting. Harry knew that he felt like he was at home in this man’s arms. He knew that this was the place that he wanted to stay forever.

“Please don’t be afraid to touch me. No one else will get to touch me the way that you do.”

Harry sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth, nodding his head shyly against Louis' shoulder. Louis pressed a quick kiss to the top of Harry’s bedhead, pulling the man flush against his body. The full frontal contact sent a shiver down Harry’s spine, but he couldn’t complain one bit because it felt so lovely to finally get so close to his lover again without his stomach dropping every single time. He had to have some self control when it came to the man before him. However, it was unbelievably hard to resist everything that Louis had to offer. He had shining eyes, chestnut, swoopy hair, and a sturdy build that could easily have any individual drooling in a matter of seconds, but Harry wouldn’t allow that. He wouldn’t allow anyone else to see or feel Louis the way that he did right this moment.

Harry inhaled deeply before muttering quickly against Louis' skin. “CanIblowyouprettyplease.”

Louis chuckled softly, getting at what he was saying, but begged Harry to ask him again because he ‘just couldn’t quite hear what Harry said’.

Harry huffed, bringing his eyes up to stare directly into Louis'. “I want to blow you.”

“I’m pretty sure that no one is stopping you right now, dear,” Louis teased.

Harry rolled his eyes and smacked Louis' visible bicep. “Asshole.”

He shimmied away and down Louis' body underneath the cover that covered Louis up to his armpits. Harry mouthed hotly at his navel before sinking lower to take the head of Louis' cock between his lips. Louis groaned at the sudden contact, unable to resist the urge to slink his hand down into Harry’s soft curls. Harry moved his mouth slowly, relishing in the weight and taste on his tongue. Louis tugged experimentally at Harry’s hair, a soft whine, moreso a muffled one, came from him beneath the sheets. Harry took it as a sign to bob his head quicker, only pulling back a couple times lap at the head.

“Fuck, Harry, I-” Louis jumbled, his mind fogged by the pleasure.

Harry was resilient as he swallowed around the cock in his mouth, one of his hands coming up to fondle Louis' balls. The new touch sent him into a tizzy, head thrashing back onto the pillow.

“Jesus, Harry. I’m going t-,” Louis started, unable to finish his exclamation as he came down Harry’s throat. He spluttered a bit, but didn’t cease until Louis was clean of any remnants.

It was hot and unbearably exciting. They both breathed heavily when the deed was done, Harry’s head resting on Louis' hip and Louis' hands in Harry’s hair, stroking his scalp until the man’s eyes drooped closed with utter exhaustion. Louis soon followed. This was a moment that was long needed for the two men who found love underneath the streetlights.

-

It was disgustingly cold when the paired men stepped out of the apartment complex later that day, nightfall already approaching. It was almost like a numbing sensation in their fingertips as the wind swirled hectically around them. Harry grasped Louis' hand firmly in his. It was so strange for Harry to do, but Louis graciously accepted the man’s worn hand into his own, holding onto it like he was on the verge of losing everything that he had.

Before they left the heated apartment, Harry had smudged a charcoal colored liner on his water line. Louis smiled despite his slight confusion, but Harry radiated an energy pleading that no one question him nor stop him from doing this. Louis knew he needed something, but he was unsure of what it could be. Harry left his hair hanging across his forehead instead of pushing it back. He opted for dark, tight jeans and an equally dark sweater that clung to his hips. He was breathtaking.

“Louis, I’m not okay, I suppose,” Harry spoke clearly, waving his arm out to an upcoming taxi.

Almost as if Louis lost the ability to speak, he just stared at Harry, bewildered.

“You don’t have to have some sort of pity for my stupid issues. I just get sad sometimes. It’s not like I asked for this to happen to me.” Harry paused, opening the taxi door for Louis. “I’m not bipolar, Louis. I’m not clinically depressed per se. I just- I’m so fine and alive, but I just become sad once I settle into that mindset. It’s almost like I think I don’t deserve to be happy or some poor excuse like that. It has to have been what my parents left me with, or what little they did I should say.”

Louis slid into his seat, moving to the far side, so Harry could climb in next to him. He watched Harry cautiously as he told the driver to go to whatever place he planned on taking Louis that night. He had never heard of it before. He dismissed his question of what this location was and decided to grab Harry’s hand instead, rubbing his thumb across his knuckles in just the way that always seemed to sooth Harry.

“They gave me pills, Louis,” Harry said, pausing before he spoke again, staring directly at Louis. “You think I’m crazy, right?”

Louis did something out of the ordinary for the two. He placed his free hand on the back of Harry’s neck, pulling him towards his own face. He pressed his lips fiercely onto Harry’s causing a slight gasp to erupt from him, but nevertheless, he didn’t pull away from the man. Louis removed his lips from the other man’s, pressing his forehead against Harry’s, their lips barely brushing each others.

“Harry, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met in my entire life. Tonight is all for you, yes?”

Harry let out a small whimper, pecking Louis' lips before disengaging himself to rest the side of his head on Louis' shoulder. The two wrapped their hands around each others’. They felt safe and content holding each other this way. It was almost as if nothing could defeat them.

“When did you start wearing eyeliner?” Louis whispered.

“Few months back. I feel hot. I feel like I am putting on a show for others without fully revealing to them who I am. Why? Does it look bad.”

“Woah, no, love. You do look incredibly good. I was simply curious.” Louis used his free hand to card his fingertips through Harry’s mop of hair. Not even a minute later, the cab pulled up to the sidewalk in front of their destination. Louis quickly paid the driver, telling him to keep the change before clambering out of the car, tugging Harry out with him. Harry giggled when his body collided with Louis' firm chest. He pushed himself back a bit to look up at Louis, a shy grin on his lips.

“Now, tell me why you picked this place,” Louis mused, watching Harry’s face.

“Does anything about this place look familiar or were you too intoxicated to remember?” Harry asked timidly, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Louis took a quick glance around, his mind rushing and searching for some sort of memory that would lead him to know why Harry brought him to this destination. All of a sudden, it clicked with him.

“This is where you found me the night after your gig. This was the place we first met. This is the place that started all we have.” Louis quickly turned to look down at Harry’s face. By this point, the only light available was from the streetlight above them, but Louis could see that his cheeks were rosy. Harry leaned in and pressed a kiss over Louis' chest.

“One year later, and I had to bring you back here to make up for that shitty night you had then. Tonight will be better. Tonight will be better for the both of us.”

“But, this is all for you Harry. Tonight is for y-.”

“Please, no. It’s about us. It’s about who we are together. Not just either one of us. I wanted to do this for us. You were off your face that night and totally pissed, but you let sweaty ole me take you home and clean you up. Sure, you vomited on me, but it’s fine. We’ve come so far from there.” Harry ended with a smile, earning a quick kiss on the lips from Louis.

“I love you,” Louis whispered, grasping one of Harry’s hands in his own to lead him to the front entrance.

“And I love you.”

 

Louis refrained from drinking that night, but he didn’t stop Harry from slipping in one, two, maybe three tequila shots. It had been Harry that was sober last time, and Louis wanted his love to be able to let go and have fun. Multiple times Louis tried to put his hands on Harry’s hips, but he shied away from his touch. Louis could tell that he was still nervous about being out in public where the world could find out that they were lovers. Instead, Harry took the floor by himself, moving his body sinuously to the beat of the music playing from the speakers.

Louis knew this place wasn’t a big club for dancing and getting trashed, but it was a bar nonetheless and there was an available space for dancing. Fortunately, about four other individuals were out on the floor grooving along to the beat. Louis didn’t let his eyes leave Harry once. He didn’t want his boy to just disappear from him. He looked so good moving his body to the sound. His sweater was black, but it was sheer and clung to his body perfectly. Louis had to stop himself from drooling, almost. 

About halfway through the next song, Harry approached Louis, a sheen of sweat on his forehead, a silly grin on his lips. He brought his mouth up to Louis' ear to speak.

“Come dance with me, please.”

Louis cocked his brow as he hesitantly placed a hand on Harry’s hip. This time he didn’t shy away. He grabbed Louis' other hand and tugged him out to the floor. Louis was worried that Harry might regret what he was doing later, but he decided to go with it. If he had learned anything at all in the past year, it was that no one pisses off a drunk or tipsy Harry.

Once the couple was situated on the floor, Harry pressed his body up against Louis, slowly starting to move his hips to the rhythm. He snaked his arms around Louis' neck while Louis placed his hands on Harry’s waist. Suddenly, Louis felt really hot. He felt good. He felt alive. He slowly started moving his hands over the expanse of Harry’s back, becoming one with the music. Time seemed to slow around the men as the held onto each other, not necessarily dancing raunchily, but they were intimate. Harry was the first one to pull back from the embrace, keeping his hands resting on Louis' shoulders.

“This feels so nice. This feels like what we should have experienced together the first night. Feels fuzzy and warm.”

“I think that’s the alcohol speaking, sweetheart.”

“Well if it is the alcohol speaking, at least it is nice this time. I don’t see any puke, tears, or blood this time.”

“Fair point.” Louis paused. “You look really good tonight. Like, really good. You should dress like this more often.”

“So are you saying that the next time I go to Berkeley to submit compositions, I should wear sheer tanks and tight pants, all commando?” Harry teased, giggling a bit.

“Oh, so you are commando tonight? Wasn’t aware.” Louis raised his brow then dragged his tongue over his lower lip.

“Told me not to worry about touching you anymore or asking to be touched. Let me be forward, I’m asking to be touched.”

It was silent for a moment, the two men staring at each other with flushed cheeks. It was Louis that made the first move. He grabbed Harry’s hand and quickly whisked him off to the one man restroom behind the bar. He locked the door behind them and didn’t waste any time pushing Harry up against the concrete wall nor did he waste time sinking to his knees in front of Harry. Harry was breathing heavily, eyes glazed over, but focused on the man in front of him. Louis clumsily undid Harry’s pants and pushed them out of the way to get exactly what he wanted.

“Weren’t lying, now were you?” Louis played.

“I could never lie to you.”

Louis bit his tongue, mentally flinching. He shook his head, glancing up to Harry. His eyes had question in them, asking Harry if it was okay that he continued. Harry nodded quickly, carding his fingers through the messy fringe below him.

Louis made quick of his work, licking at the slit just briefly before engulfing his mouth around the head, his hand working the base. He pushed himself into a territory he hadn’t crossed in years, his throat fluttering every so often. He glanced up at Harry who had his glassy eyes trained on Louis, bottom lip between his teeth. Louis groaned quietly, sending the vibrations straight to Harry’s cock.

Harry hit his head against the concrete wall and Louis' knees ached from the gritty surface. Harry didn’t last long after that. Louis swallowed what he could, but his chin ended up being cover in spit and come. Harry used his thumb to push the remains up past Louis' lips which he took gratefully, sucking it clean. 

Both of the men managed to smile afterwards despite the terribleness. Louis put Harry back together then stood himself up awkwardly. The two leaned in for a slow kiss. Louis tasted tequila and lime. Harry tasted himself and cola. The two laughed as they pulled away from each other, taking hold of each others’ hands. Louis hushed Harry, unlocked the bathroom door, and they both made a sprint for the exit and down the sidewalk, laughing and clinging to each other, their love making light in the darkness of the city.

-

It was high noon the following day when Harry hopped in the shower, Louis sitting dressed on the toilet lid, his hair still damp from the shower. He listened to the patter of water on the tub and Harry’s body. He drummed his pointer fingers on his thighs, letting out a small hum. He stopped after a while, already becoming bored with himself. Thoughts were tumbling through his head. Questions were pouring out of his ears. Anyone would be able to tell that he was thinking hard.

“Thank you for last night. It was very enjoyable” Harry spoke, voice dripping with innuendo all while interrupting many thoughts causing Louis' breath to catch in this throat.

“Oh, of course, love. It was amazing,” Louis murmured.

Harry poked his head out from behind the shower curtain, beads of water dripping down his face, his gorgeous face. “Hey, you okay?”

Louis perked up a bit, flashing him a quick smile. “‘Course, just sleepy from last night.”

Harry nodded, a smile spreading onto his lips before he released the shower curtain from his hand. The moment he did so, Louis slumped over, elbows resting on his knees. His heart was throbbing. God, Harry was so beautiful, and he had no idea what he was going to be able to do about the situation. There was no easy way to just let it all come out. It was going to take so much energy to do so.

The smell of mahogany filled the room. That was the smell with which Louis had become so very well acquainted. He let out a shaky breath, clasping his hands together firmly, trying to do something, anything, that would help him relax or forget. It was impossible to stop all the words from swarming in his brain, stinging him like wasps. He knew this stinging was nothing compared to the sting that he would feel when he finally let everything out of his head.

Louis let more time pass, listening to Harry shower peacefully, deciding now would be the time. He didn’t want to see Harry’s face when he spoke. He was terrified. Tears were welling in his eyes. It was a stinging feeling as they all collected there.

“Harry?” Louis asked calmly.

“Yeah?” Harry replied cheerfully.

Louis look a big breath, a single tear rolling down his cheek when he squeezed his eyes shut. “Amaya is pregnant.”

His response was the sound of a shampoo bottle with the tub. The only sound through the entire apartment was water hitting porcelain. Louis didn’t know what Harry looked like right now. He didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t want to know. Tears were streaming down Louis' cheeks at this point. His body was trembling with fear. He felt frozen just sitting there. However, the only thing that willed him to move was the fact that he didn’t want to see Harry when he emerged from the shower. He stood slowly, padding his way out of the bathroom and into Harry’s room, so he could grab his extra pack of cigs and lighter from his bag. He shook the pack before turning around to head for the small balcony connected to the apartment. 

It was freezing, but his hoodie and sweats would suffice for the time being. He lit up, needing the taste of nicotine on his lips as soon as possible. He smoked slow and long, not wanting to rush the time that passed. He could barely focus his eyes in front of him because his vision was blurred with tears. He felt so childish, so wrong, so unhappy. He hated himself for what he had done and what he had caused.

It was about a hour and three cigarettes later when Louis heard the glass for slide open. He slowly turned his head to see what was before him. There was Harry leaning against the doorframe dressed in only a large sweatshirt that came mid-thigh, boxers, and thick socks. Louis knew that it was his sweatshirt that he left here months ago. Harry’s eyes were swollen, his cheeks were red, and his hair was untamed. It broke Louis' heart even more seeing just how disheveled he looked. Harry noted that Louis' eyes were puffy. Also, he was shivering.

“Is this why you never left her?” Harry questioned softly, his voice cracking. He opted to leave out the for me. 

Louis nodded guiltily, taking a deep inhale. Harry shook his head, tugging on the sleeves of his sweatshirt as he pushed himself off the doorframe to move towards Louis. “So you had sex with her even when we were seeing each other? How many times? I wanted to know how many times you slept with her. Was she good? Better than me? Did you think of me? Did you forget that I existed?”

Harry was getting angry now. It scared Louis. He had never seen him this upset before, but he muttered out a reply, “I slept with you before I even slept with my wife. It was the first goddamn time I did anything with her. Used protection, but you obviously know how that turned out.”

Harry froze in his spot in front of Louis, taken aback from this sudden revelation. All he could do was stare at the man before him. Louis' eyes were glazed over with a fresh batch of tears. “I enjoyed fucking you more than her, and that is all I could think about for weeks.”

Harry choked back a sob. “But you slept with her anyway. Even when you promised me. You promised me so many times. I only saw you those two times in four months, but every moment I didn’t get to see you, you would call me, text me, do anything to let me know that I had you. You got her pregnant, and now I’m going to lose you. You promised me just yesterday that I would have you. You said we would travel together, buy a house, get married, have children! You made me think for one last time that I had the chance of holding onto you for the rest of my life.”

“Harry, she is my wife, so yes, I slept with her, but it isn’t what I desired. I could barely get off, so I thought about you. Please don’t think I won’t stop fighting for us.”

“What is wrong with me? I’m complaining about a married guy fucking his own wife when I’m the one that should be ashamed from taking him away. I’m the one that had to go and make things complicated. I’m a fucking homewrecker! I’m not going to take you away from your child. I’m not that fucked up. God knows I already am screwed over with these pills and bouts of sadness and fucking a married man, but I will not ruin a poor baby’s life because I am too selfish to let go,” Harry spat.

“Harry, I swear-,” Louis was cut off with the stinging feeling of a hand colliding with his cheek. He winced slightly, squeezing his eyes shut, so he could will himself not to cry over Harry.

Harry let out a strangled cry, sinking to his knees on the cold concrete in front of Louis. He buried his head against his thighs, sobbing hysterically. His entire body was shaking, his arms wrapped around the back of Louis' knees. Louis gingerly lifted the man’s head, so he would look up at him.

“You promised, Louis. You promised me,” Harry whispered, tears pouring down his blotchy cheeks.

“I know,” Louis murmured, pulling Harry up off his knees and onto his lap. At first Harry was reluctant, but soon enough he gave in to the exhaustion and tears. He curled his body up against Louis', his right hand placed on Louis' chest over his heart. He had calmed down somewhat at this point, but that didn’t stop Louis from cradling the back of his neck to keep him relaxed against his shoulder.

Louis was the first one to speak since Harry calmed himself down, pressed against Louis, not caring that his bare legs were cold. He already shook his head when Louis motioned towards them a few moments before.

“I know that you don’t believe me when I say that I haven’t stopped fighting, and I won’t fighting until I have you in my arms permanently. Hell, I wouldn’t even believe myself. I made this mistake, and I plan on fixing it. It won’t be able to happen with a snap of my fingers, but I swear to you that I will fix this all. I meant it when I said that I wanted to establish my life here with you. I will never take those words back. Yeah, it’s cold as shit up here for someone like me, but I’m not letting the cold stop me. I’d have someone warm and lovely to come home to every single day.”

Harry pressed himself closer to Louis, if that was even possible. He spoke, voice cracking, “But I’m cold now. I’m so cold. I’m not the one that is about to have a family with you.”

“But you are the one with whom I want to have a family.”

Harry swatted at Louis' chest weakly, his lips trying to curve upwards. “‘M sorry that I hit you. That was wrong of me.”

Louis shook his head quickly, placing a kiss on Harry’s forehead. “I deserved it. I should have told you the moment that I found out she was pregnant. I shouldn’t have slept with her. I should have left her the moment I knew I loved you.”

“When was that?” Harry whispered.

“The second time we met up in those first four months. I think I knew from the night you took care of me that I would never be able to find someone like you again. I think I always knew deep down that I loved you from that instance, but how cliche is it when I say I fell in love at first sight? By the second meet up, I finally admitted to myself that I was in love with a gorgeous man. You had that stupid yellow sweatshirt on, and you were curled up on the sofa eating a bowl of cereal. It all happened so quick. From me meeting you to sitting on your sofa to loving you. I didn’t think it was at all possible, but somehow, in that moment, everything seemed to be possible.”

Harry pressed his lips to the base of Louis' neck in a kiss. Then, he reached up to brush the pad of his thumb along Louis' bottom lip and across his jaw. “You’re like an angel, Louis. You came out of nowhere. You have been watching me and helping me. But angels can’t watch over the same person forever. They have to move on to protect others just the same. I think it’s finally time that my angel moves on to someone else. I wasn’t meant to stay forever. I wasn’t even supposed to be here in the first place.”

Louis shook his head quickly, trying to fight back yet another onslaught of tears. “Harry, love, please. I’m no angel. I’m only human. I am a man that messed up his life, and right now is trying so desperately to mend it and turn it into one that he would rather live. I am a man that loves another man, and no one can stop me from loving him. No one can stop me from loving you.”

“What if I stopped loving you? Would that make it easier, Louis?” Harry murmured, a tear rolling down his cheek.

“I would perish if you ever stopped loving me.”

“What if I told you I wanted you to forget me?” Another tear.

“Never, in a million years, would I be able to forget you.”

“What if I gave you the permission to let go of me, to move on with your life?” Two more tears.

“I would never be able to do that. My heart is at home here.”

“Louis, you have to let go of me. You have to start your own family. It rips me apart so bad, but I don’t think you have a say in this. You slept with her. The deed is done. You can’t take it back. You can’t take a baby away from its father. But I do have a say, and I don’t know why I have the nerve to say it. I’m the hurt one. All I ever did was love you unconditionally, and I get this in return. I have the say of what I want you to do in this situation. Fuck, I’m disgusted with myself for saying that. I’m the one that fucked th-,” Harry choked out. “I’ll try to stop loving you, forget you, move on. It will be difficult, but I can manage without you by my side.” 

At this point Harry was full on crying again. The two men both knew it was a lie that Harry could move on and be okay. Harry just wanted to push Louis away, and Louis knew he had no room to speak about decisions at this point.

Louis held Harry tight as he cried out the last of his tears. He cried until he fell asleep in Louis' arms, both of them shivering. It was Louis that took Harry inside and tucked him into bed early that afternoon. Louis knew he was taking a risk when he crawled underneath the covers next to Harry, but he kept his distance, keeping in mind that this could be the last time the two men would share a bed. He took a deep breath, rubbing his hands over his face tiredly before closing his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep despite the immense amount of pain resting in his chest.

-

Harry woke with a startle around nine that night. Next to him, Louis lay curled in on himself, still fast asleep. Harry sat up carefully, scooting to put his back up against the wall. His eyes felt crusty from all the crying, and his lips were chapped. He let out a heavy sigh, carding his fingers through his hair. Everything had presumably been going well for him and Louis. Now, he could still barely register what was happening. All he could think about were the glorious memories he shared with Louis.

It was November of the past year when the two crossed paths for the first time. Harry had just finished playing a his second gig at the club they went to the night before all hell broke loose. He was beaming with excitement from the covers and and one of his originals that he played that night. The lights had been shining bright on him and he had made the mistake of wearing a chunky sweater that caused him to sweat a ridiculous amount, but he was too thrilled to even care. After he left that night, that was when he saw Louis on the sidewalk outside of the bar. Louis was off his face and it looked like his knuckles were bleeding.

When Harry rushed over, setting his guitar beside him to help, Louis drunkenly muttered something about a bar fight as the sweaty man pulled him up off the ground. It had been awful trying to get Louis from the street to his apartment even in a cab. Harry had no idea why he was doing what he was doing because for all he knew Louis could actually be dangerous, but by the looks of his puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks, he looked so soft, so fragile. Almost broken completely. He hoped he was just a man that needed some love.

The two had stumbled into Harry’s bathroom. Harry placed Louis on the toilet, quickly turning back around to look for some sort of medical supplies underneath the counter. He did, and he attended to Louis' wounds. By this point, Louis seemed to have calmed down, but it was easily noticeable that the alcohol was still there. He offered Harry a watery smile as he finished wrapping the gauze around his knuckles. 

“All good. I’ll let you crash in my room tonight, yeah?” Harry had spoke. It was a big risk on his part, but then again all the other people he had ever brought back to his place had also been risks. Not to mention, the whole situation was an utter cliché which defied all of Harry’s beliefs. Louis nodded slowly as Harry showed him where the bedroom was. He went to the couch right after. It wasn’t long before both of them were fast asleep.

When morning came, most of it was a blur. Harry vaguely remembers them laughing a bit, him messing with his guitar, and sharing breakfast. He also remembers Louis telling him he got in the fight because he grabbed another guys butt, and then he proceeded to thank Harry for everything he did. Harry was in the middle of telling him that it was not a problem when lips were suddenly on his and his back was against the kitchen wall.

About two hours later, Louis left the apartment, waving goodbye to a thoroughly fucked Harry, smiles on both of their lips and Louis' number in Harry’s phone.

Now it was exactly one year later. The two were sharing the same bed they did that wonderful morning. However, instead of happiness in the air, Harry only felt sadness. He glanced down at Louis. He wanted to touch his hair, his face, his stomach, his thighs, but he knew he couldn’t bring himself to do that now. The small amount of confidence he had gained from the night before quickly disappeared from his sight.

Harry loved the fifth month of their relationship the best. It had been the first time that Louis had been in town longer than two days. He stayed for ten days at Harry’s flat while he worked business for his company back in San Diego. Harry spent three days trying to make everything in his apartment acceptable for Louis. He even went out and bought Louis his own toothbrush and toothpaste to leave in Seattle.

Every single night, Harry would stay up composing until Louis came back. He couldn’t will himself to fall asleep without the man he had grown so close to so easily. Harry would rub his shoulders and tell him everything would work out when he went back to more meetings the following day. Louis told Harry he would leave his wife to come be in Seattle permanently.

All of his promises turned to lies which broke Harry’s heart. It was hard to think reflect on some of the best times of his life when he knew there would no longer be any more moments like that. Louis said he wouldn’t leave give up even with a baby on the way, but Harry couldn’t manage to believe that. He knew Louis wanted children. They had talked about it before.

“I want to move out of the city, honestly. Have three, maybe four children. I would love to have little ones running around to make me feel young,” Louis spoke to Harry during the sixth month of seeing each other.

That was also the month that Harry gained the confidence to tell Louis he loved him. The night he said it, they went out and splurged at a posh restaurant. After two bottles of some ridiculously priced wine that Harry refused to let Louis get, but he ordered it anyway. They shared their first kiss in the public eye. Harry was extremely anxious afterwards, but when they got home, Louis ran him a bath and helped calm down. He provided Harry with a hot cup of tea and a kiss to the top of the head, telling him that he didn’t care what anyone else around him thought.

Unfortunately, Harry had to realize that there would no longer be those types of kisses, nor the ones they shared behind closed doors. There wouldn’t be any lingering touches or looks or communication for that matter. 

There was an entire month between the sixth month and the next time the two men got to see each other. Louis' office had a big project back home that didn’t require him to come to Seattle. One day the the middle of that month, Harry was down at Berkeley University dropping off some of his compositions and getting more information on the summer music camp. At five in the morning, on a whim, he drove all the way from San Francisco to San Diego.

He surprised Louis with a late lunch and a quick smile. He murmured to the businessman that he loved him, and Louis whispered it back. With a small wave of his hand and a warm smile, Louis was on his way into a meeting. Harry took the time to watch how he acted around his co-workers. He was almost a totally different kind of person around them. Not that it scared Harry, but he knew that the real Louis was the one that he knew. That was the first and last time Harry went to San Diego.

Harry cringed thinking about San Diego now. He knew it was where Louis was going to start his proper family. However, his heart also fluttered thinking about it because he knew that is where Louis actually was, and Louis was his home. Harry glanced down at the man before him, and, with the most annoying coincidence, Louis was staring up at him.

“How long have you been awake?” Louis whispered.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Harry stated flatly.

“You should lay back down and get some rest.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Why not? You look exhausted.”

“It’s fucking dark in here. You can barely see anything.”

“I can tell from the outline of your body all hunched.”

“Look like I care?” Pause.

“What are you thinking about, Harry? Be honest.”

Harry let out a heavy sigh. No matter the circumstance, no matter how hard he tried to brush it off, Louis knew how to read him. He didn’t want to admit his thoughts to the man that was running through every single one of them. He opted to stay quiet.

“It’s okay. I’m thinking about us, too,” Louis breathed out.

Harry shot his head to the side to look directly at Louis. “How damn long have you been awake?”

“I don’t think I ever full on fell asleep. I heard you rustling about, and I just waited to see what else you were going to do. I got bored of waiting, okay?”

Harry collapsed against Louis' chest, his body shaking, but he could no longer produce tears. He seemed all dried up. There was no way he would be able to keep himself composed when Louis walked out of his life. Louis onto the back of Harry’s sweatshirt, burying his nose in the man’s soft hair. Harry. This was his Harry. 

They laid together for some immeasurable amount of time before Harry finally had the stomach to speak up.

“Do you remember the night you brought me roses, and I had an allergic reaction?” he mumbled against Louis' hoodie.

The other barked out a laugh. “How could I forget?”

Harry tilted his head up so his chin was now resting on Louis' chest. Both of them were grinning. “I didn’t know I was allergic to them!”

“It was rather unfortunate, but so very funny.”

“No other hunk of a man had brought me flowers before. I don’t buy them. My parents never had them. Maybe it was some kind of omen.”

The two of them let their grins falter. Louis then cupped Harry’s jaw in his hand. His voice was like honey. “Don’t say that. Don’t think about it. I’ll be out of your hair tomorrow morning, so you don’t have to suffer with me here any longer, yeah? I don’t want to drag it out for you. I’ve hurt you enough, what’s the point in making it worse?”

“It’s going to hurt either way, Louis. It’s going to hurt so bad,” Harry whimpered as Louis brushed his thumb over the trembling man’s lip.

“I know that it will. I really do. You have no idea how bad this hurts me, too.” Louis continued to brush his thumb up over Harry’s cheekbone until it reach his hairline where he tangled his fingers in the gentle bristles.

“But at least you have someone to run to. I have no one. You know my mom and dad won’t let me stay at theirs. You know I don’t really have any friends because all I do is write and write and write when you aren’t here. You know I am a lonely soul without you by my side. I know that you know these things, Louis. It’s been a year. Lots of things can be learned in a years time.”

Louis pulled Harry’s head down to his chest with care. The whole room was silent except Harry could hear Louis' heartbeat as he pressed his ear up against the man’s chest.

“Remember the cello piece I was working out?” Harry exhaled softly.

“Of course.”

“I think I want to call it ‘Louis’.”

-

It was still dark outside when Louis said goodbye to a sleeping Harry. He silently packed his bags up and changed into a pair of jeans instead of his sweats. There was a span of ten minutes where he just stood staring at the figure on the bed. Soon enough, he had to will himself to leave the apartment, so he wouldn’t cause any more pain for Harry. He didn’t leave anything behind for Harry to let him know that he was gone. The poor boy didn’t need to hold onto more of Louis than needed.

The air was stagnant as Louis stepped out of the apartment complex. He hadn’t even planned on what he was going to do from this point. There was no way he could head back to San Diego because that would mean he would be home early from his business trip, or lack there of one, and he was never home early from a business trip. On top of that, he didn’t want to have to face Amaya so early. He couldn’t bring himself to stay in Seattle just to have the miniscule chance of running into Harry at any given point. Instead, he just starting walking up the block, waiting for something to come to him.

Louis wasn’t even a minute away from the building when he heard feet hitting hard against the pavement behind him. He turned around just in time to have another body collide into his own. Lips were on his. Arms were around his neck. Instinctively, Louis lifted the body up into his arms, forgetting about his two bags on the pavement. There was no denying that the person in his arms was Harry. He smelled like Harry. He felt like Harry. He tasted like Harry.

Louis set the man down this ease as Harry removed his lips from Louis'. They stood together, holding each other for dear life. Harry let out a long needed breath, moving his arms so he could hold Louis' face.

“No way in hell I’m throwing you out on the streets until it’s time for you to leave. Stay until you can stay no more. I want all those final moments with you. I don’t want to cut it short,” Harry whispered.

 

Louis nodded quickly, embracing Harry in a tight hug. It was obvious that Louis was not able to let go of Harry just yet either. He most definitely wasn’t about to disobey the pleads for him to stay until the day of his departure.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Louis murmured him Harry’s hair.

The two men detached themselves from each other. Harry picked up one of the bags, throwing it over his shoulder. Louis did the same with the other. He also took Harry’s hand into his own. Harry smiled up at the man, curling his fingers around the hand. Louis squeezed his hand reassuringly as they headed up the street. 

They walked in silence, absorbing the presence of one another. The sun was just starting to appear over the city skyline when they arrived in front of a rather pathetic looking coffee joint, but Harry swore that it was one of the best places he had ever been. The couple strolled into the quaint shop. Louis had to admit that it was rather cozy and calm for a city that was bustling. He settled himself in a two person booth in the corner.

The walls were splattered with streaks of yellow and orange paint along with a slew of 70s rock band posters. The light fixtures above were made out of old records, and the outer part of the counter was wallpapered with the record sleeves. In the background of it all, some Fleetwood Mac song was playing on what Louis was assuming was record player in the far back corner. Just as he had lost himself in the atmosphere, Harry placed himself across from the already seated man. He also placed a dark roast with a splash of milk down on the table for Louis and a plain latte for himself.

“I know you may have been opposed to coming in here at first, but I swear it’s amazing. Also, I wrote a lot of lyrics here, so it’s special to me,” Harry spoke with excitement.

“I shouldn’t have been so fast to say something. I love they way they have it all set up. It’s so different from all the other mainstream places now of days. I like the older vibes I am getting. I totally dig the 70s glam,” Louis responded, grinning.

“Had I known, I would have brought you by sooner. I’ve done some cover nights for them when they need a little more of a pick me up. It’s super mellow, yeah?” Harry took a sip of his drink, turning his head to look outside the window. He placed his fingertips on the cool glass which sent a noticeable shiver down his spine.

“I would have loved to see you preform. You know I love watching you,” Louis murmured.

“‘Course I do, Louis. You may get to see me play again somewhere, someday.”

“I can always try and stop in some place when I’m here on business.”

“That’s not exactly what I mean,” Harry spoke, shrugging which caused Louis to furrow his brow.

“Then what exactly do you mean by that? It’s not like you are just going to come to San Diego everyday to play for me. That’s not how it works.”

“Maybe I will play in San Diego. Maybe San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York City, Chicago, and Orlando. That’s the plan, Louis. That’s where I am going,” Harry murmured, toying with the sleeves of his sweatshirt, glancing up at Louis shyly.

“Excuse me?” A smile started to spread across Louis' lips.

“I know it’s an inopportune time to tell you, but I got signed. It’s not a major label, but this is what I have wanted. It’s getting me there,” he said in a frenzy.

Louis jumped out of his seat, a hand over his mouth. His eyes were wide with amazement as he stepped around to the other side of the booth. He scooped Harry up in a bear hug, a massive smile on both of their lips.

“Oh my god, Harry. Oh my god. That’s brilliant. You have no idea how proud I am of you. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Louis pulled back from the hug, resting his hands on Harry’s shoulders, so he could get a good look at the man’s face.

“I was trying to find a good way to tell you. I was thinking a dinner or maybe post sex for all I know, but I had to tell you now. I think it’s the proper time. It’s a good beginning to the close,” Harry mused, leaning up to press a chaste kiss to his lover’s lips.

“I’m not letting it be the end,” Louis mumbled against Harry’s lips. His remark made Harry stay silent, or more so obligated to shift the conversation to something else.

“Hm, if you plan on staying at mine for another night, what do you want for dinner?” Harry posed, scooting back in his chair as Louis slinked back into his.

“We can go to the store, and I will make something for the two of us. A little special something just for us. Maybe a nice bottle of wine,” Louis spoke, watching the color of Harry’s cheeks change underneath Louis' gaze and words.

“As long as it’s pinot grigio, yeah?” Harry questioned, a shy smile on his lips.

“Never anything else.”

Harry shook his head slowly, holding back a small laugh as he grabbed the two barely consumed mugs from the table, taking them back to the counter to be cleaned. Louis took this time to stand and stretch, then proceed towards the door. The small bell jingled as he opened it, ushering Harry to step out into the cool air. Louis followed, pulling the door shut behind him, his eyes traveling to Harry. There was some look hidden inside of Harry’s eyes.

“What is it?”

“I feel so goddamn free. I feel like I have escaped from whatever made me run. I have a job. I have a home. I have food. I have clothes. I have love. I am beyond satisfied,” Harry murmured, reaching to place his hands on Louis' chest, only having to look up at Louis with a small tilt of the head.

“I have you, and that is all I need,” Louis sighed, his hands curling around Harry’s hips.

“Don’t rush it yet, honey. Maybe not, but you will always have my love no matter what happens.”

 

Louis shivered at the thought of what could happen within the upcoming week, but disguised it well as a gust of wind came at the exact same moment. Both the men did not know what would happen. However, they did know that they would always love each other even as their lives continued down whatever path they crossed. 

-

“Harry, dear?” Louis spoke later that night after a wonderful meal prepped by Louis himself. Despite how much Harry wanted to help, Louis insisted that it was his treat. Harry, toothbrush in mouth, turned to the man who was seated on the toilet lid, head tilted to the side.

“What is it?” His words were fogged up by the gob of toothpaste and bristles on his tongue.

Louis fiddled with his hands nervously before fully musking up the courage to speak. “Can we have sex tonight? Like properly this time? Not something quick or in a bar. I, uh, I realize that we have only done this like twice before, but I want to do this with you. I was wondering if you would actually fuck me, you know? Oh my god, I sound so stupid right now. What am I even saying? Hey, don’t laugh at me.”

Harry shook his head quickly, trying to stop his fit of chuckles while wiping his mouth clean with a towel. “Love, no I’m not laughing at you. You are just so adorable when you get all embarrassed like that. You are talking to me, someone that loves you, about sex, and it’s okay. You don’t need to be embarrassed, alright?”

Louis quirked a small grin, turning his head bashfully. “Is that a yes?”

Harry had made his way over to stand in front of Louis, his hands going to rest on the sitting man’s shoulders while hands curled around the standing man’s hips. “Yes, it’s a yes.”

His hands brushed up the back of Louis' neck until one was cradling the base of his neck, and the other was toying with the hair on the back of his lover’s head. Louis leaned forward, so his cheek was resting against Harry’s bare tummy, his warm breath tickling the sensitive skin there. Harry glanced down at the top of the man’s head, murmuring softly, “It might not feel comfortable at first, but we can work up to it, yeah?”

Louis let out a small huff, turning his face up into Harry’s view. “I know. I might have tried a bit of experimenting with that, you know? I bought some stuff…”

A smile spread across Harry’s lips, tugging gently at the hair at the nape of Louis' neck. “Cheeky, yet you are so shy about this that it is precious.”

Louis shrugged it off, his cheeks a furious shade of red. He pressed his lips to the soft skin of Harry’s tummy right above the waistband of his boxers, his fingers tugging at them until they drop to his ankles, leaving him completely nude.

“Eager much?” Harry chuckled, moving his hands to grab Louis', pulling him up to standing position as he shuffled his feet of the the material around his ankles.

“Maybe just a little bit?” Louis offered, hand in hand with Harry, as he headed toward the bedroom once on his feet.

Louis released the warm, gentle hand from his soon after entering the bedroom, heading straight towards the bed, hands tugging his sweater up over his head, lazily letting it drop to the floor. Harry glided across the floor to the corner where his CD player was and turned on a soft tune. He flicked off the main light and opted for just the soft glow of the lamp on the bedside table. When he turned around, his eyes were met with the sight of a fully nude Louis perched on the edge of his -their- bed. He sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth a shiver running down his spine as reached into the table drawer, retrieving a decent sized bottle of what could only be presumed as lube and a small foil wrapped package. He placed them on the pillow closest to the table.

“You look beautiful,” Louis whispered softly, just loud enough, so he could be heard over the hum of the music playing.

“Look who’s talking,” Harry threw back, making his way to the bed to where he was standing in front of Louis. Louis moved himself back onto the bed, giving Harry room to crawl in with him. Harry laid his body beside Louis, curling one of his legs between the other man’s as well as draping an arm over his bare torso. He leaned up and placed a tender kiss to his lover’s lips. Louis sighed contentedly against the man’s lips, relishing the feeling and warmth that was given to him. This time, it was Louis who went in for another kiss, a little more passionate and aggressive than the last one. 

It was then that Harry got the picture, and he moved to straddle the older man’s waist, their lips still attached and moving with an almost fiery passion. Louis' hands instinctively went to the small of the back of the man above him, his palms pressing flush against the hot skin. Already, the skin on skin contact seemed too much as both their necks and cheeks flushed aggressively.

Harry pulled back suddenly, his lips swollen, a blissed out Louis beneath him, but worry spreading through the older man’s eyes. “What is it?”

Harry brought his hand up to Louis' cheek, letting his fingertips brush over the curve of his cheekbone ever so softly. “I fucking love you.”

Louis' breath caught in his throat for a moment. “And I love you.”

He then flipped the two over, attaching his lips to Harry’s jaw. The skin was smooth and warm beneath his lips which made it hard for him to refrain from kissing all the way down Harry’s neck and finally to his sternum. From there, he inched even lower, his hands on hips, his lips still brushing over warm skin. At this point, Harry was trembling beneath the man’s touch and gaze. He wanted Louis to continue and never stop what he was doing, but there was only so much time the two had left together.

Harry’s head lolled back the instant Louis put his mouth where he so desperately wanted it to be. There was no way Louis wanted to finish him like this; way too soon. Instead, he kept his actions slow and steady, teasing Harry with his tongue and only swallowing him down a handful of times. The pads of his fingers were digging into the flesh of Harry’s thighs. When it became too much for the receiving man, he tugged his giver back up towards him, so he could connect their lips once more. He took this time to reach blindly for the bottle resting on the pillow next to his head.

His voice was somehow soft against the lips on his. “Are you ready?”

All Louis could do in response was nod his head and roll off of Harry onto the open space of the bed. It was obvious just from the look on his face that his heart was racing, partially from nerves and partially from excitement. Harry smiled warmly down at the beautiful man before him, giving himself a moment to take in all of who he is which caused his heart to soar just like Louis'. He kissed Louis once more before opening the bottle to cover his fingers in the cool liquid. 

Harry was gentle when he started with Louis, slowly circling one finger around his hole before sinking the tip of it into warm heat. He didn’t want to see his poor boy in any pain albeit it was rather inevitable that there would be some unfortunate pain. However, Louis did a good job at accepting it. He did clench his eyes shut briefly while his hands clenched the sheets, but he still kept his legs open and relaxed for Harry. 

“You okay, love?” Harry asked softly, getting an immediate nod in response.

“Yes, yes. Please, another. I-I want another one,” Louis begged.

This is where Harry did everything in his power to keep his man soothed, his free hand stroking his thigh while he pressed two fingers into an eager looking Louis, his cheeks flushed.

Harry curled his fingers towards Louis' prostate causing a sharp gasp to pass the lips of the man below him. Louis spread his legs more, eyes focused carefully on Harry. They smiled at each other, eyes wild and full of love. When Harry curled his fingers just right, Louis shouted.

“Fuck! Fuck, yes. One more. Harry, please. Another!”

Harry raised a brow, but Louis just looked at him with pleading eyes. With consideration, Harry added more lube to his fingers before curling a third finger inside Louis. He threw his head back onto the pillow, letting out a small whimper.

“Louis, tell me if it’s too much,” Harry pleaded.

Louis shook his head quickly. “No, feels good. So good. ‘M ready. Please. Want you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Harry murmured, removing his fingers, leaning up to capture Louis' lips in a deep kiss.

“Make love to me,” Louis whispered against Harry’s lips. Harry, in that moment, felt like he was falling in love all over again.

“Yes, of course,” he murmured back soothingly, his heart beating loudly in his chest.

Harry took much precaution by using a condom and lube to keep the experience was gentle and easy as possible for the two of them. The first moment where he breached Louis was the worst. Louis' jaw went slack because he had definitely not expected to feel that full. It felt like hours where the two lay there together, Harry whispering sweet nothings, telling Louis just how good he was. Louis brought one of his hands up the Harry’s face, trailing his thumb over his jaw.

“Please, Harry, I-I can do it. I want to do it. I’m okay,” Louis whined out softly.

Harry gave him a look, one of where he knew his Louis could do it, one of where he believed him. He moved slowly at first until Louis became agitated, moving his hips in little motions, trying to get Harry to do something. 

“Harder, please,” Louis grunted. “And before you ask, yes. Just fuck me.”

Harry didn’t need to be told twice as he sped up his thrusts into Louis, leaving a moaning mess beneath him. He brought there lips into a kiss again, hands going everywhere as if they couldn’t seem to get enough of the moment. Harry lifted Louis' legs just a bit more causing Louis to cry out.

“Shit, do that again. ‘M gonna come, Harry,” Louis breathed out, arms circling around Harry to pull him down for another kiss.

Harry fucked into Louis as told, taking Louis' cock into his hand as well, jacking him off in time with his thrusts. He let out a deep groan when one particular thrust and flick of the wrist sent Louis over the edge, unprepared.

“Oh fuck,” Louis groaned, clenching down on Harry as he continued milking out Louis' orgasm and chasing his own.

Just as Louis' eyes flicked open, Harry fell over the edge, collapsing onto Louis' chest. Both were breathing heavily, bodies sticky with sweat and come. It took some nudging, but eventually Harry got up to dispose of the condom and retrieve a warm cloth to clean the two up, a blush high on both of their cheeks.

 

The two men lay together in a tangle of limbs, both of them totally fucked out, but content smiles on their lips. This time, things were switched up. Louis had his head tucked underneath Harry’s arm, so his head rested against the expanse of his chest, his palm pressed to his shoulder. Harry had one hand in Louis' hair and the other gripping the thigh that was draped over his abdomen. They wanted to at least try to sleep somewhat peacefully, even though they knew they would be able to do that no matter what. The stereo was still humming out tunes from the playlist that Harry started earlier that night. At a certain point, he started singing along to the tune of one of them.

“‘A love like this won’t last forever’,” murmured Harry, giving Louis' thigh a squeeze, but Louis already knew what he meant by it.

“‘I know that a love like this won’t last forever’,” Harry continued, leaning down to nudge his nose against the top of Louis' head.

“‘But I, I don’t really mind, I don’t really mind at all’,” Harry finished off the line which is the last line the two heard completely before drifting off to sleep in each other’s arms for the last time.

-

The sun wasn’t fully up when the two woke up the next morning. Despite the pure exhaustion in their eyes, their minds couldn’t seem to stay peacefully at rest. They both knew that today was the day, and there was no apparent way to change it from occurring. At the the few extra hours that morning would give them more time for longing stares and tender touches before parting ways.

“I’m going to miss this,” Louis spoke mellowly, his hand on Harry’s butt just to give it a little squeeze. Louis was sat up against the headboard with Harry straddling his lap, so he was properly facing Louis.

“You’re just gonna miss me for my body?” Harry giggled, cocking his head to the side.

“I wasn’t finished, my love,” Louis chided, shaking his head at Harry’s silliness. “I’m going to miss your smooth tummy, your gentle hands, your gorgeous thighs, your comforting arms, your silky hair, your pink cheeks, your pretty eyelashes…”

“I’m pretty sure that is just physical stuff,” Harry pouted while Louis stroked his sides soothingly.

“Again, I’m not finished,” Louis murmured, leaning in to press a chaste kiss to his boy’s lips making Harry turn his head away bashfully.

“I’m going to miss curling up on the couch with you while you wear that stupid yellow sweater after a long day at the office. I will miss cooking meals for you and getting wine drunk in the kitchen where we end up singing together. I’ll miss how your lips curl up when you feel content and how your eyes crinkle when you laugh and your bright eyes. It’s going to hurt when I don’t wake up extra early to hear you working on one of your songs.”

“Maybe one day I will be playing on the radio so you can always hear me. I’ll be singing to you. I’ll be singing all about you,” Harry whispered, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Louis'.

Louis let out a shaky breath, moving his hand up to rest on Harry’s chest. “Most of all, I’m going to miss this. I will miss your heart. It’s so pure and beautiful. I don’t want to let it leave me.”

“Louis, my dear, you won’t be losing my heart. You’ll always have it locked up right inside your own chest, you hear me? It’s going to stay trapped in there until the day that I die.”

In that moment, it became too real and too much for the two men. They had promised themselves, without telling the other, that they wouldn’t cry today. Of course, they knew it was perfectly alright to cry, but for the sake of the other seeing the tears, they told themselves to keep their emotions in check. 

 

“Can we get breakfast before I totally lose myself?” Harry questioned which earned an immediate nod in response from Louis.

The two spent a few lazy minutes holding onto each other before they stood from the comfort of the bed. They took a decent amount of time respectfully dressing their bodies. Louis opted for business casual, and Harry went for the comfiest sweater he had which just so happened to be one of the three sweaters that had once belonged to Louis. Those three sweaters would be the last tokens that Harry had of Louis. He didn’t care if it meant he never washed them, so he could still smell his scent on them. His eyes began to water again when he looked up at Louis resting his shoulder against the doorframe, his bags in his hands.

“Ready?” Louis posed, his face dull.

Harry shrugged a bit, scooting past him in the doorframe, so he could get to the kitchen. Louis followed him like a small puppy, tossing his bags onto the couch before trailing off towards the kitchen as well.

“Uh, what would you like?” Harry asked, already rummaging around in the cabinet. Actually, it was more him pulling out the same two cereal boxes and replacing them after a few seconds.

“Honestly, I’m not that hungry. Maybe just a glass of water?” Louis responded, already reaching into the opposing cabinet for a cup. He filled it up with tap water and downed it in nearly ten seconds flat. He ran the back of his hand over his lips in an attempt to dry them only to have Harry capture them in a gentle kiss afterwards. Both of their movements were languid as Harry’s hands found their way to Louis' hair. For Louis' benefit, Harry tried to be as smooth as possible about it, so his hair wouldn’t be so mucked up. It was Louis who pulled away first, reluctantly that is. His hand went up to cup Harry’s strong jaw, their foreheads resting against each other.

The whole apartment was uncomfortably quiet. Typically, there was always some sort of noise whether it be Harry playing one of his instruments or Louis' voice whispering softly to Harry or the sound of the coffee pot brewing or the shower running. However, there was barely nothing. There was the slight sound of breathing, but nothing else. The place felt cold, not in a physical sense, but an emotional one.

Louis glanced at the watch on his wrist, his face dropping when he did. Harry knew what that meant without Louis uttering a word, but he let him speak anyway.

“It’s time for me to go,” Louis murmured halfheartedly. He couldn’t look Harry directly in the eyes because he knew the moisture there would bring some to his. He detached himself from the man in front of him, so he could grab his bags. It was Harry’s turn to trail after Louis like a hopeless puppy. Finally, Louis grew the courage to look at his Harry. The two let the tears silently fall as they hugged one final time. They didn’t have to say ‘goodbye’ or ‘I love you’ because they knew. They knew it wasn’t the total end. They knew they loved each other wholeheartedly. With one last glance at each other, Harry shut the door on Louis, the two separated at last.

 

Fortunately, the bus stop Louis needed was just one block from Harry’s apartment, so the walk didn’t take long at all. There was the downfall of the bus running late according to the schedule flashing on the sign hanging above the bench. Louis took the newly found time to turn his phone on, so he could send a message to Amaya and let her know he was on his trek home. Fear panged in his gut when a stream of notifications appeared on his screen. It got even worse when he saw that they were all from Amaya. His biggest fears were that something happened to the baby or she found out something about Harry.

There was sixteen texts from her and seven phone calls. Each text was rather vague. They said something like ‘call me’ or ‘I want to talk to you’. Worrisome butterflies erupted in his stomach just from reading those. Six of the missed calls did not have voicemails. However, the seventh call, the most recent call, had a voicemail with it. The voicemail had been left two days ago, and according to the dates, it had been the last time Amaya had tried contacting him. With shaky fingers, Louis pressed on his voicemail, and his ears were filled with Amaya’s voice.

“Louis, I am calling you because I think this is something you need to hear. I tried contacting you. Of course you will be able to see that by the time you actually hear this message at all. If I sent what I had to say over text, that would be terrible of me, but in all honesty, what I am doing now isn’t any better. I am at the beach, yes, but I am also visiting someone. I’m visiting a man that also happens to be the father of the baby that I am carrying. I couldn’t keep that from you anymore. I don’t expect anything from you, but at the same time, I had expected something from you. You were always busy with work, so I went out, and I let everything escape me. I let this happen to me, to you, to us. Sure, I am a terrible woman for what I have done to you especially what you have done in means of providing for us financially. Despite this, I hope you come home, and we can talk-”

Louis pressed the end message button quickly, his heart racing a mile a minute. He was unsure if the tears in his eyes were sad or happy tears. He wasn’t sure if he should be upset for Amaya being with someone else or happy that he could work on things with Harry. He also knew it was totally wrong since Amaya wasn’t the only one that had done something to damage their marriage. In that moment, he burst out laughing. His life had somehow turned into a cliche affair scandal. In all honesty, he didn’t feel like saying anything to Amaya, but he knew she deserved an explanation just as well. But now was not the right moment for that kind of conversation. He felt like there was someone else that deserved to have even more insight than the woman with which it didn’t work. 

With a watery chuckle, Louis picked his bags up off the ground, a smile growing on his lips. He knew this would be the right way to move on from what he would end up leaving behind. He knew he was doing the right thing as his legs moved him in the direction of the only place he knew how to call home.

**Author's Note:**

> what did you guys think? i already have a second part in the works to clean things up and brush up the past, so let me know if you are interested in reading. cheers for staying this far! x


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